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|Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.|
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
|In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.|
|The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.|
|Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.|
|The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.|
|Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.|
|Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."|
|Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.|
|Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.|
|Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.|
|The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.|
|When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.|
|Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.|
|When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.|
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
|Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"|
|Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord|
|Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.|
|Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times|
|China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.|
|Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about|
|If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.|
|Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.|
|When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.|
|Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.|
|Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty|
|Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.|
|Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.|
|Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.|
|Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.|
|If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down|
|Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris|
|Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.|
|Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.|
|Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.|
|A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.|
|Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.|
|There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.|
|Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.|
|Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds|
|When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"|
|Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.|
|Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.|
|Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.|
|Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.|
|Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.|
|Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.|
|If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.|
|When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.|
|Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.|
|Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.|
|God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.|
|When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.|
|Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.|
|A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.|
|Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.|
|Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.|
|Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.|
|If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.|
|Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.|
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the faces of his best fans into the side of Mount Rushmore.
Chuck Norris know where Wally is.
'Chuck 'Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy, today he is known as the first man to lay foot on the moon.
'The disaster movie '2012' was originally going to be called 'The Day Chuck Norris Got Out The Wrong 'Side Of Bed.
Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face. Nobody would survive anyway
Chuck Norris is the real reason lord lucan did a runner.
Chuck Norris can lift Thor's Hammer.